


Icarus and the Bird with Clipped Wings

by reminiscence



Category: Digimon - All Media Types, Digimon Frontier
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Gen, Injury, PTSD, Recovery, ffn challenge: AU diversity boot camp, ffn challenge: becoming the tamer king challenge, ffn challenge: drabblechap endurance, ffn challenge: new year's mini advent 2016, ffn challenge: one ship boot camp, kidnapping! AU, word count: 10000-19999 words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-10-26 22:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 58
Words: 10,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10796232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reminiscence/pseuds/reminiscence
Summary: [AU] Takuya makes it his mission to break the new kid's shell and make him spill his secrets. But shells have different purposes and he learns this one after a trip to the hospital where he meets the brother. And secrets have reasons too. This one's a case of them hiding in plain sight... which is hard to do with other tell-tale signs and trigger actions and failing to move on.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for:
> 
> The Becoming the Tamer King Challenge, Training Peak (wild encounters) – drabblechap  
> New Year's Mini Advent (2016), day 1 - write a drabble novel  
> The AU Diversity Boot Camp, #043 - defiant (kidnapping/met in the hospital AU)  
> The One Ship Boot Camp, #048 – rigid  
> The Mega Prompts Challenge, dialogue prompts #15 - "Do it yourself. Why should I help?"  
> The Drabblechap Endurance

The only thing Takuya knew about the new kid was that he did a hell of a job keeping secrets. Except what twelve year old - okay, almost thirteen - had a secret they needed to keep so carefully that it was wrapped in a tightly insulating layer of lies? Lies that perfectly matched each other, at that. The only reason he knew they were a lie was because Minamoto Kouji (or whoever gave him the story) had chosen an area of previous residence near his grandmother's place, and she was the type of woman who knew everyone in the district and quite a few people outside it as well. And she didn't know any Minamotos. And the only Kouji she knew was a fourty-something year old man who drove a truck for a living.

He looked a little panicked when Takuya pointed that out, then composed himself and said, in a scathing tone, that Takuya's grandmother needed to have her head checked.

Suffice to say, they both went home with bruises and a detention that day. Takuya liked to think himself the winner, though, because he'd gotten the aloof boy's attention and left a mark (quite physically) and that had been his original intention.


	2. Chapter 2

Unfortunately, he didn’t seem to be making much progress after the initial. Minamoto Kouji was, when his family was not insulted (and Takuya was trying to avoid that because, really, that was a blow far below the belt), uninterested in conversing with anyone outside of the necessity. And Takuya didn’t qualify as necessary.

Unless they ever got paired together for something. But they hadn’t, yet.

Too bad he wasn’t a teacher or the class monitor. Even Kouji couldn’t avoid talking to them. But his other classmates…

But that only made Takuya more interested in cracking that shell.

And Kouji’s annoyed glares meant he wasn’t exactly immune to the Kanbara Takuya charm.


	3. Chapter 3

He mightn’t immune to Takuya’s attempts to crack his shell, but he wouldn’t exactly call that charm. More like an annoying flea… And then he’d feel bad calling a boy his age a flea.

And worse was that he’d picked a hole in their cover and was trying to rip it apart, and his persistence meant he couldn’t just let it go. And that was bad. It only took a single ripped stitch for the cover to fall apart and that guy looked as though he was going to keep picking until he ripped those stitches out.

That was partially his fault, for losing his cool that first time.

Still, he couldn’t rewind time. He only wished he could rewind time. Turn it all back. Take it all back. Fix things. Stop things. Protect –

Someone touched him in the darkness. He reacted.

‘Ouch! What the hell?’

He blinked. It wasn’t dark anymore. Or… It hadn’t ever been.


	4. 4

Okay, so Kouji was prone to getting panic attacks. That would have been nice to know before he broke his jaw.

Or it felt like that anyway. The nurse wasn’t too sure, with how swollen and bloody it was looking, so their homeroom teacher drove him to the hospital instead. The nurse was taking care of Kouji, though. After one of their classmates had been smart enough to realise that Kouji wasn’t acting like he usually did and run off to grab a teacher, who sent another student for her as he tried to calm him down.

Sounded to Takuya like that was more getting him to recite the periodic table, but it seemed to have worked. Kind of. Maybe? At least Kouji wasn’t breathing like he’d run a marathon, and he wasn’t punching the science teacher when he touched his shoulder and, a little later, helped him to the nurse’s office.

But that wasn’t going to get rid of his swollen jaw. That was just his luck, wasn’t it?


	5. Chapter 5

It took the nurse to calm him down, and after that his brain was so fuzzy he was incapable of doing anything except taking a nap.

Presumably, he fell asleep in one of the beds at the infirmary. In any case, he woke up in his own bed at home. No-one was there, but there was a cup of warm tea and some aspirin, and when he made his way downstairs there were his father and Satomi-san, talking quietly.

He backed away again. He disliked her on principle. Even if her worry and her help had professional grounds. And especially because she was young and unbound.

Their wounds were still all raw, after all, and she was just a bandaid trying to patch things together.

But sometimes, he liked her too.

She was, after all, the one who’d brought him back home.


	6. Chapter 6

Turned out his jaw was just heavily bruised, not broken. And turned out that fractured jaws were actually a serious thing. And it could break arteries as well. And that could lead to the entire mouth and throat filling with blood – which sounded horrible and creepy and life-threatening all at once.

He wondered which one they died from: blood loss, choking on their own blood or some weird pneumonia.

And he didn’t have to get his jaw wired. Thank goodness. That sounded absolutely terrible. Not being able to talk. Not being able to _chew_. Living off smoothies and protein shakes? He shuddered just thinking about that.

And to think all that could happen from a single punch. Go figure. He was being a lot more careful in the future, that was for sure. Once smitten, twice shy.

But that didn’t mean he wouldn’t crack Minamoto Kouji eventually.

 


	7. Chapter 7

He remembered Takuya a little belatedly, and Satomi informed him the other boy was in the hospital, getting his bruised jaw treated.

'Hospital?' Kouji echoed. What in the world had he done? He'd just lashed out when the other had gotten too close, but surely –

'The nurse was concerned about a broken jaw,' Satomi explained. 'His chin and mouth had swollen up spectacularly, but there was no fracture on the X-ray. He still needs to ice, elevate and rest, and be on a soft diet until chewing is a little less painful.' She chuckled, then added. 'And keep the talking to a minimum. I hear he's quite the chatterbox.'

Silver lining, he supposed. But that really wasn't what he'd meant at all when he wanted the other to stop bugging him.

'I didn't mean to,' he admitted.

'We know that,' said Satomi softly. 'And from your panic attack, I think Kanbara-kun saw that too.'

Well, that was another thing they needed to address, didn't they.


	8. Chapter 8

His father tucked the X-ray away and started filling up paperwork. A nurse had equipped Takuya with a towel and an ice pack and the doctor had left with strict orders to rest his mouth (soft diet and little talking after all, but at least it wasn’t an absolute zero) and now he was bored.

And sore, but the doctor had injected something to make the area numb, and he had a prescription for pain meds later too. And if he couldn’t talk to anyone, he could play a game or something… Except there weren’t any games to be found in the emergency department.

Exploring, then. He wandered down the corridor, reading the signs and veering away from the one that said “morgue” because that was several levels of creepy.

He found the main elevators, eventually. With a list of what was on which floor. And roof.

_Ooh, roof._

The other stuff didn’t look particularly interesting anyway. Especially the two schools.

Couldn’t get away from school even in a hospital, huh. Poor kids.


	9. Chapter 9

The roof was nice. Really big, and there was a helipad there too, even if it was closed off by a fence so curious kids didn’t wander in there.

Fair enough, Takuya thought. He probably would have wondered there. Though some of the kids would’ve been hard-pressed. At least half of them were chaperoned by a nurse… And there was one leaning against the fence, just watching everything.

Takuya held the ice-pack to his face and wandered closer to the fence. There were all pretty little kids – no, wait. There was one who looked his height, or thereabouts. It was hard to tell with him sitting in a wheelchair. Or maybe that was a girl with short hair. It was a pretty unassuming hairstyle, anyway.

He went closer. There was something familiar about him. A classmate from school? But Takuya was sure he was more than familiar with his classmates. So someone in one of the other classes, then. Probably the year above or below. Black hair. Blue eyes. Hands tucked away into the sleeves of the hospital gown (and considering the sleeves only went just past the elbows, that was a mean feat).


	10. Chapter 10

Who did he know with black hair and blue eyes?

Minamoto Kouji came to mind. But Minamoto had long hair. And a ponytail. And his expression was an entirely different kind of closed off. The kind that shut people out.

This boy’s expression seemed like he wasn’t taking anything in at all.

But he couldn’t think of anyone else. And maybe that’s why he’s seeing it. Or maybe he’s seeing it because it was there. Similarities in their facial features, even with the vastly different expressions.

Did Minamoto have a brother? In the hospital? Was he ashamed of that, for some reason? Was that why he avoided the topic of his family and lied about where he’d come from?

Of course, there was always the possibility that Minamoto was right and his grandmother was just remembering wrongly. But when it came to listening to people, Takuya was more inclined to believe the grandmother who’d told her every story her quaint little town had to offer than the new kid who’d just moved in and was oddly defensive about… well, everything.

Which meant… ‘Hey, you wouldn’t happen to be related to Minamoto Kouji, would you?’

Oh hell, that hurt. He’d forgotten he wasn’t supposed to be talking.


	11. Chapter 11

The other boy stiffened.

That was all Takuya got to see before he was dragged off the roof, even if the scream followed him. ‘Sorry,’ apologised the nurse, after they stopped in the elevator.

                ‘’m sorry too,’ Takuya mumbled, knowing he’d screwed up somehow, even though he wasn’t quite sure how. Of course, there was the whole not to talk thing, but it definitely wasn’t that. Or all that.

Even if his jaw was _screaming._

And the nurse realised that when she looked, and readjusted the ice pack that had started to go warm. ‘You shouldn’t talk with that,’ she scolded lightly. ‘And on top of that, you say something to set someone else off entirely by accident…’ She shook her head. ‘It’s a small world, I guess. And you’re not the type who can sit silently.’

Takuya shook his head sheepishly.


	12. Chapter 12

The nurse asked where he was supposed to be, then gave him a look when he tried to answer verbally. Takuya pushed the ground floor button instead. The emergency department was on the ground floor, right?

It was. He spotted the arrows leading to it easily enough once they were out, and the nurse followed behind. Then his father, looking half panicked and half exasperated, the panic fading and exasperation increasing when the nurse explained his little adventure.

Or misadventure, really. Even if he was confused as hell about it all.

And he couldn’t even ask because he wasn’t allowed to talk. It wasn’t fair

And he couldn’t ask Minamoto. Or that boy on the roof. He’d made both of them get panic attacks (they were panic attacks, right?). Not great for the track record, in all honesty.

Even if he had absolutely no idea what he’d done in the first place. Especially with the boy on the roof.

He _might_ have been a little too nosy with Minamoto. Maybe.


	13. Chapter 13

They got the call from the hospital after Kouji fell asleep and Satomi had left.

It didn’t really matter, since the phone ringing woke him right back up.

And there was no sleep after that. Not when Kousei was grabbing coats and keys and Kouji was stumbling to the car in his pyjamas. And Kouji mightn’t have known exactly what the person on the other line had said to his father, but he could guess enough, the way his father’s knuckles grew only whiter as he drove.

He didn’t ask. He didn’t need to ask. He just fought the own panic rising in his chest and bolted for the only thing that could fix it, when they got there.

Even if he simultaneously cringed away from the screams.


	14. Chapter 14

By the time Kousei arrived, the show was over. Kind of.

It was more like act one was over. But Kouji was always more effective in act one. He was pretty effective in act two too, but if they tipped over into act three, it became a problem.

Kousei made sure to keep a sharp ear out as they talked, stilted and quiet, under the scrutinizing stares of the nurses. They were baffled. Nothing new, really, because the nurses always changed and none of them could quite get used to how quickly Kouji could draw his brother out of his shell.

At least the so-far known triggers were written on a very clear sticky note (taped in, so it didn’t fall out again) in the patient notes.

Though this time, it sounded like someone had recognised him. Which was impossible. Should have been impossible. Until Kousei saw act three on the horizon and coaxed Kouji away and, speaking to one of the nurses afterwards, they realised it was all Kanbara and a somewhat mistaken identity.

Which left Kouji cursing and Kousei too weary to think of scolding him, because to avoid things like that was why they’d moved here in the first place.


	15. Chapter 15

It was his fault, this time.

Too many times, it was his fault. _They_ had never tired of reminding him. Reminded him it was his fault no matter which way things went, and then gave him the illusion of choice as though there was a choice at all.

Behave and we won’t hurt him. Eat and we won’t feed him. What else did they say? What else? Scream and – what? What? Screamscreamscream –

‘Don’t scream. Kouji’s here.’

That cut through the haze. Kouji’s here. _Here._ That was good. No it wasn’t. If he was there, then they’d hurt him.

‘I’m right here and I’m fine. See?’

But Kouji was a stubborn person as well. He’d say that whether he was fine or not.

Though he did look fine. But worried. Of course he was worried. There was every reason in the world to worry.

The restraints holding him down were suddenly slack. He blinked again. Bed and rails and wires, but no formal restraints. And faces ranging from concerned to exhausted.

Oh.

His fault, again.


	16. Chapter 16

Kouichi was a strange mix of subdued and rebellious, now. Though Kouji supposed his brother had always been that way: quiet unless there was something he felt strongly about. Maybe they just hadn’t stumbled across any of those things until… _that._

Though, of all the things it managed to destroy, that was one thing that persevered and one thing Kouji wished would have broken (and maybe given something more important back, like their mother or their inner-peace). Because it was counterproductive to be stubborn about one’s own health and healing… But waking up after nightmares, Kouji got it. He really did.

They were chains neither of them could shed so easily. But he didn’t make it that obvious. Or, at least, he didn’t think he did. He said he was okay and he was believed more than half the time. Kouichi sometimes believed him, and sometimes he didn’t. And his father sometimes believed him too. Satomi-san never believed him though. And he didn’t like that. Not at all.

Though he’d sent a classmate to the A&E. That wasn’t a sign of being “okay”, was it?


	17. Chapter 17

Takuya was still at the hospital. He’d insisted, even if they were free to go, scribbling on the paper the nurse had given him and wrapped around his new ice pack. And his reasons were noble, so his father allowed it. He just wanted to know if that other boy would be okay, even if he had to keep away and wait.

And then Kouji showed up, zipping past like there was something urgent and that kind of answered his question… Actually, maybe it did more than that. There was obviously a reason the other boy was in a hospital and in a wheelchair with that pole dragged along for the ride. It wasn’t anything like faking a tummy ache to skip the kanji test, or something.

And, obviously, Kouji hadn’t wanted anyone knowing. Or asking. He’d lied after all – and Takuya had called him out on it. And pushed and pushed (though it really stopped being about that really quickly and became attempts at making a friend out of the stubborn boy) and then a bruised jaw he wouldn’t be using in a while.

He was sure he’d muster up the appropriate anger and frustration soon enough (because not being able to talk or eat freely was going to _grate_ ), but for the moment, he… well, couldn’t.

He’d seen two panic attacks in the same day, and he could only wonder at what lay behind them.


	18. Chapter 18

Takuya started waving frantically when Kouji emerged from the room. The other just gave him a tired glare and started in the other direction.

Not to be deterred (because really, he’d already thrown his lots), Takuya followed.

They stopped at a sign that said: “staff only beyond this point.” Kouji still didn’t turn around. Takuya rapidly scribbled on his paper (and why didn’t he prepare this before, he asked himself?)

Kouji spoke before he finished. ‘I’m sorry.’

Takuya poked him and showed him his paper. _I’m sorry. I knew you were hiding something and I was making you uncomfortable but you were so interesting that I had to crack that shell of yours and –_

He’d stopped there. Kouji stared at the scrawl. ‘I wasn’t hiding,’ he snapped, after a pause. ‘It wasn’t anyone’s business.’

 _You lied about where you moved from,_ Takuya wrote. _That’s a deflection._

‘Smartass,’ Kouji grumbled, but he couldn’t refute that. It had been his mistake, his panic – but how was he supposed to know his classmate would be that stubborn?

Not that he or Kouichi were any better.


	19. Chapter 19

Another silence settled between them, but Kouji didn’t look like he was going to stalk off in a huff – or do anything else to escape the situation. And they’d just apologised. And what a relief. The air was almost clear.

Takuya mentally crossed his fingers and hoped he wasn’t opening the can of worms again by finishing the sweep. _Sorry about the other guy too. Though I’m not too sure what I said..?_

Kouji’s face tightened at that. ‘My name,’ he said.

Takuya blinked and opened his mouth – and hissed in pain. The ice pack was getting lukewarm too. He’d have to get another one to take home.

Kouji made an odd noise himself, but he elaborated: ‘he’s my brother. Older. Twin.’

Takuya made another noise, but he managed to keep his jaw shut this time. But _twins_? That was so cool. He’d never met twins before. He wondered how alike they looked. He hadn’t gotten a good look at the other boy.

But that still didn’t explain the other’s reaction. Did they not get along or something?

He supposed the question showed on his face, because Kouji sighed and looked away. ‘No, he’s just protective.’

Though the look on Kouji’s face when he said it made it seem like a bad thing.


	20. Chapter 20

Kouji could feel himself tensing up again, like a coil whenever Takuya asked another question or had that questioning look on his face. But he forced himself through it. It was just like talking to Satomi about it. Or the hospital psychiatrist. Or the school counsellor.

But all of them knew there was a point where they could push, and another point where they should stop. Takuya already proved he didn’t know that.

Kouji knew he didn’t have a good grip on that either.

If that meant cutting him off too early this time, then fine. It was better than too late again.


	21. Chapter 21

The Minamotos departed as abruptly as they’d come, and Takuya was left to digest the information.

How’d he gone from knowing nothing to knowing too much… while still knowing nothing? He shook his head, then groaned at the way that pulled on his jaw.

 _This is going to be way harder than I thought_. He needed a fresh ice pack too, though he managed to mime that easily enough. The talking and the abrupt movements though… Well, his mother always said he needed to learn patience. If this couldn’t do it, then what would?


	22. Chapter 22

It wasn’t working. Takuya simply wasn’t used to being quiet and still. Especially not with a little brother at home. His mother picked up a cute little whiteboard and a marker for him though, which was must easier than writing on paper all the time. And more interesting too. He could occupy himself with doodles when he was bored.

And he was the type of person who was often bored.

And then there was Kouji, who was back at school and avoiding him with even more gusto than before. Takuya wondered if that had anything to do with their classmates questions.

Well, Takuya wasn’t going to tell them what had really happened and neither was the school. Let them believe the thug on the way home from school story.

Even if his hand started cramping after writing so much in a day.


	23. Chapter 23

Takuya asked his mother for an ice-breaker.

She offered brownies (extra soft since he couldn’t eat hard stuff at the moment) and a bemused smile.

Takuya was a little confused as well. After all, he’d never had that problem before.

Then again, he’d never met the likes of Minamoto Kouji before. Or his brother. Even if he definitely wasn’t going to just burst into the poor guy’s hospital room. After their first meeting, there was no _way_ that was going to go do down well with him.

So cookies. Because conquer one twin, and then he can try with the other. And besides, Kouji was his goal originally. And that guy definitely needed a friend, no matter how stubborn he tried to be.

Except now he knew more things, and he could see roots for that stubbornness. He’d been hurt. He’d had someone close to him hurt. He didn’t want anybody close to him anymore. Seemed like a simple equation.

But there were some wounds that just wouldn’t heal alone. And anyway, nobody could survive school alone.


	24. Chapter 24

Takuya hadn’t learned, apparently. He’d still reach out multiple times every day and it was harder to evade him, especially with Kouji being more hypervigilant after the last incident.

Takuya hadn’t told anybody else. Just made up some outlandish tale their classmates lapped up. And kept on poking him with the whiteboard marker and showing him new messages.

Really, it would be less subtle if he passed notes. But at least nobody could accuse Takuya of doing things on a small scale.

And this time… ‘ _I’ve got brownies! Let’s eat them together.’_

And he shuddered at the mental image of Takuya force-feeding them to him if he tried to escape this time.

And honestly, if he hadn’t managed to scare the boy away already, then… _Maybe I should just give in… At least a bit._


	25. Chapter 25

Takuya celebrated his victory with more cold compresses, because he couldn’t stop himself from trying to talk – or shout – his joy.

Of course, he managed it. His jaw was healing nicely and he could move it a little without any trouble at all.

Stretching it to the max still made it hurt like hell though. Kept him up half the night even with the ice packs and pain killers. ‘Give it a few more days,’ his father cautioned. ‘A week or two, max.’

The thought of another week and a half of this made Takuya groan. Especially if he kept on aggravating the bruising.

But at least he’d made progress.

 _More brownies?_ he wrote hopefully on the board.


	26. Chapter 26

Kouji wasn’t too surprised to learn that Takuya, even when he wasn’t allowed to talk, couldn’t ever be completely silent. If he wasn’t scribbling away on his board, he was bouncing a leg, or tapping his foot, or doing _something_ and it was impossible to hear utter silence when next to him.

That was actually a good thing, and now that he let it, it shooed away the shadows of being locked in a room waiting to hear the creaking of doors and patting of footsteps and screeching of trays because that was the only way he could tell time and the only news he got about his brother.

And when he was talking again (probably earlier than he should have because his jaw still looked discoloured), that was kind of comforting too, now that his self-imposed wall had been beaten down.

It was too hard to take it down himself, but with Takuya pushing on the other side…

That didn’t change his relationship with the rest of the class, though. He had a separate wall for each of them and none of them pushed.

Then again, there probably weren’t too many people who would push like Takuya.


	27. Chapter 27

Takuya didn’t have a follow-up appointment, which he thought was a shame. That was an opportunity to meet Kouji’s brother properly lost.

So he did the next best (and probably smarter) thing. Asked Kouji. And hoped it wouldn’t blow up on him. Which was why he prefaced it with: ‘I know you were trying to keep it a secret and all, but I really really want to meet Kouichi properly and apologise for scaring him the other day.’

And then he gave his best puppy dog eyes as Kouji processed that.

‘He’s worse than me,’ Kouji said finally.

‘Of course.’ He was in the hospital still, after all.

‘I almost broke your jaw when you pushed too hard. And you still don’t know where the lines are.’

‘I’m trying to figure that out. Really!’

‘I wasn’t blaming you.’ Kouji wasn’t looking at him anymore. Just staring at the tree line behind the school fence. ‘I’ve always been standoffish and moreso now, so I figured people would just leave me alone.’

Takuya reflected on that. Seemed to him that, when Kouji finally let him in, he was seeing a _lot_ more. ‘You don’t do things by halves,’ he mused. ‘It’s not in my nature to leave you alone, I’m afraid.’

                ‘You kept poking even after I almost broke your jaw,’ said Kouji dryly.

Takuya shrugged. ‘Good story to tell to the hypothetical grandkids.’

‘…you’re thinking about kids already?’

‘No, but my grandmother is. She’s always saying she’s fit enough to see at least one of our grandchildren. And to be fair, she was ridiculously young when she had ‘kaa-san, so it might be possible if Shinya decides to be impatient.’

Kouji snorted. ‘Not you?’

‘Hey, I’m not throwing myself into that pot.’

‘…fair enough.’


	28. Chapter 28

They drifted off topic. Then they came right back to it. ‘I’ll ask,’ Kouji hedged, finally. ‘He found it rather amusing, really, hearing about how you’d try to worm your way past my walls. It just depends on… how he’s feeling, I guess.’

That was more than fair, and Takuya happily agreed. ‘I’ll bring cookies,’ he said. ‘It still hurts a bit to chew rock hard stuff, but cookies are now fine and I’ve missed them _so_ much.’

Kouji frowned at that. ‘Dunno if he’ll eat them.’’

Takuya blinked, caught off guard at that. ‘He doesn’t like cookies?’

Kouji hesitated, then shrugged, figuring he was in for the long haul. ‘He used to like them as much as anyone, really. But…’ And then his voice got stuck in his throat anyway, because talking about his brother was therapeutic, but talking about _that place_ and _that time_ was… not.

‘I’m sorry.’ Takuya sounded uncharacteristically uncomfortable. ‘I didn’t mean to…’

They don’t say much of anything for the rest of lunch.


	29. Chapter 29

Kouji talked about school a lot, but rarely about the people in it. Kanbara Takuya, however, was the exception to that rule.

Kouichi did find it a little amusing, the way Kouji's expression would twist in disgruntlement whenever he mentioned the name. And how he'd gotten caught in his little white lie.

Though Kouichi got it. He really did. He didn't want to talk about the truth either and they both had therapy to deal with. He also had the doctors.

It had taken him long enough to accept that this was the new truth. And then, in a move that had the psychiatrist panic about a deterioration, had clamped right up.

If only he could stay like that, though… If only his mind didn't keep forgetting that  _they weren't still in that place…_

It was rather peaceful, and comforting too: ignoring things and just listening to Kouji's voice.


	30. Chapter 30

Kouji didn’t often tell him to do things. Maybe that was why it was so much easier listening to him than anybody else.

Maybe it was because he didn’t have a position of authority, like most other people. His father was his father. Satomi was their case worker. The therapists were therapists. The nurses were nurses. They all had things to do, and things to ask (or make) him to do.

On some level he knew they kind of had to. It was their job and for his good. And what they asked for was sensible, often.

But _they_ would ask seemingly sensible things too, and then twist them on their head.

If he had to pick between his wellbeing and his brother’s, of course he was going to pick his brother’s.

And then their voices would melt into a drone and he wouldn’t even hear their explanations, mind spiralling off elsewhere.

And even though he was trying to break that habit… well, the tubes in pretty much every crevice of his body told otherwise, didn’t they?


	31. Chapter 31

‘Takuya is bringing cookies when he comes to visit.’

When did Kouji start referring to the other boy by his first name, Kouichi wondered.

Then the statement registered. Cookies.

But Kouji didn’t elaborate. Not like the nurses bringing food on a tray and telling him to eat. He just said cookies were coming. He didn’t say he had to eat them, or didn’t need to eat them.

Funny how he was more caught up on that than Kouji’s classmate turned friend visiting.

Actually, he didn’t know how he felt with Kouji’s classmate turned friend visiting. He wouldn’t be like Kouji, obviously. He wouldn’t be like the doctors and nurses and other healthcare staff, either. Or like his father. There’d be a whole new category for him.

That might be a bad thing. It might also be a good thing.

He’d wormed his way under Kouji’s shell. That spoke well of him, at least.

So Kouichi would give him a chance.


	32. Chapter 32

Their second meeting went off without a hitch, something Takuya was exceedingly grateful for.

He tried to tone down his enthusiasm. He brought cookies. And a grin. And made sure to enter the hospital room only after Kouji had introduced him. And he made sure not to bounce on the bed (it did look boucy) and instead sit in one of the seats, and he tried very hard not to stare at all the wires and tubes.

He failed miserably. Because there were _so many tubes._

There was one down one nostril, capped off at the end. Then there were needles in both arms. Then there was another wire sneaking out from under the blankets near his feet –

And Takuya went a little bit red when he realised what that was for. _Poor guy._

And then he went back to staring at the head because that was definitely more polite.

And offered the cookies because that was polite too. Then remembered, when the other boy didn’t even move to take them, that Kouji said he might not eat them. Then it was suddenly awkward.

‘I’ll… just put the plate here.’ Here was the bedside table with wheels that already had an untouched lunch on it. Takuya just dumped his plate on top of that and ripped the glad wrap off. And then snatched one for himself. ‘’kaa-san makes the best cookies. Though she always makes curry too spicy, you know.’


	33. Chapter 33

Kanbara Takuya was… surprisingly not pushy. Kouichi had been expecting him to be since he’d pushed with Kouji, but he… just wasn’t.

He was also a social butterfly and a chatterbox, but it kept the room from falling into an awkward silence. And he was better at talking about random things than Kouji was. All Kouichi had to do was listen. Or not listen, if he didn’t want to.

Takuya also had a flare for the dramatic, which made him a better story-teller.

Until he burst out laughing mid-sentence, and Kouichi blinked at him. Kouji was looking a little pouty too.

 _Oh._ He said that out loud, didn’t he.

                ‘Thanks.’ At least Takuya was grinning but not making a big deal about those were the first words he’d said all visit. Until the next sentence anyway. ‘Where do you rank on the story telling scale?’

Kouichi looked at his hands, casted and bandaged and hiding under the blankets so nobody (including he himself) would stare at them, and completely useless. He knew exactly where he ranked. He just didn’t want to say it.

Not to mention the other boy was now asking him directly.

He stared at his blankets, at his hands underneath, and didn’t answer.

The uncomfortable silence fell over them until Kouji tried to break it.


	34. Chapter 34

Takuya wasn’t sure what he’d done (again). Things had seemed to be going pretty well. Kouichi didn’t talk much at all, though he’d nodded in greeting and seemed to be listening attentively enough.

He did say Takuya was a better storyteller than his brother, though.

Things shifted for the better, or so Takuya thought.

Then he opened his mouth and apparently stuck his foot inside again. ‘Where do you rank on the story telling scale?’

He didn’t realise it at first, because it wasn’t like the other boy freaked out or anything. He stared at the lumps under the blanket that were really too high to be his knees – and then he just closed off.

He looked eerily like his brother like that. And Takuya backtracked through the conversation and tried to work out what he’d done this time. What was it about telling stories, and the blanket…

Actually, where were his hands?

Kouji jerked and looked away. Takuya blinked. He’d spoken aloud again, had he? Whoops.

But that meant the hands were significant.

But Kouji looked so stiff. And Kouichi had closed himself off.

He shouldn’t ask.

He really shouldn’t ask.

He really wanted to ask.


	35. Chapter 35

‘Does it help?’ Takuya asked, compromising with himself, at school the next day. ‘Talking about it?’

‘No,’ said Kouji immediately, and then after a moment’s consideration, again: ‘No.’

He didn’t elaborate, and Takuya, having gotten his answer, couldn’t ask him to. Instead, he talked about the baseball game his father had promised over the weekend, their latest antics over video games with Shinya – and eventually came to the realisation that they’d never been to each other’s houses before.

He remedied that by inviting Kouji over.

And thank goodness for mobile phones allowing him to quickly ask his mother for permission.


	36. Chapter 36

Takuya was surprisingly tactful… but that thought wasn’t fair to Takuya, was it, when he knew so little.

Still, Kouji could appreciate the effort this time. Takuya didn’t ask for an explanation of the previous afternoon. He just asked if it was okay to ask (and not even if _he_ could ask), and had backed away at the first “no” and talked instead.

It was somehow comforting hearing Takuya talk about those softer, peaceful things while offering as much as he wanted to in exchange.

Maybe that was what had made Kouichi comfortable, in the beginning, as well. He never had been a great talker, and his teachers always said that was a shame because he was very good with his words.

And then Takuya had hit one of the nails. He hadn’t meant to. He hadn’t known and he probably still couldn’t quite put it together. After all, most of Kouichi’s body was hidden under the blankets. Takuya could see the wires and tubes, and the drips, and the machines, and the uneaten lunch, but he couldn’t see the casts or bandages or scars or damaged bits of body held together.


	37. Chapter 37

They told him that Kouji hadn’t been hurt, just malnourished and with electrolyte imbalances and mind hurt from being locked up for so long.

That had been a relief, and it made all the pain in his body worth it, at first.

But the pain lingered, even after they were “safe”. It was worse, because there was a metaphorical pain as well that fentanyl couldn’t take away. It was worse because it was no longer about protecting and persevering, but about recovering and that just put into perspective how far reaching that pain could be.

Like his shattered knee-cap and how they’d put screws in it and it still screamed in pain every time the physiotherapists or nurses or doctors moved his leg. And, worse than that, like the mangled messes that were his hands, buried in casts and bandages and, inside, scars and plates and screws from multiple surgeries that still wouldn’t return full dexterity to them because they were damaged behind repair.

One doctor had suggested they just amputate and be done with it. He’d screamed and cried at the very thought. He couldn’t bear that. He couldn’t bear what his hands were now either, though.

And he discovered yet another thing that _they_ had taken away. And this was one his brother didn’t share with him. Something he hadn’t even known he was sacrificing before he did.

And, for the first time, he’d wondered… if he would have sacrificed that – the dreams of his future – if he’d known.


	38. Chapter 38

Takuya did get a sort-of answer the next afternoon, when Kouji thrashed the Kanbara brothers in their own fighting games. ‘Does Kouichi play video games too?’

                ‘No.’ And Kouji put down the controller, staring at his hands. ‘He could have if he’d had the chance, I guess. But he lived with… our mother.’ And then, in a rush of words: ‘They weren’t very well off, but he’d borrow lots of books from the library and write and draw on scrap pieces of paper until people started gifting him sketchbooks and note books –‘ He cut himself off abruptly, as though realising he’d said too much.

Takuya thought that still wasn’t enough for him to understand. Shinya was even more lost. Luckily though, he wasn’t interested. ‘So no four way battles. Gotchya.’

Which ended the conversation a little more smoothly than awkward silences did. Good to know Shinya didn’t suffer from foot in mouth syndrome like his big brother.

Or maybe that only manifested when he was actually invested in something.


	39. Chapter 39

Kouji’s invitation came a few days later (and seemed to be prompted by a parent). Takuya wound up visiting the Minamoto residence the following Saturday.

The house was big and spacious. It was also rather empty, even if they’d been in Shibuya for over a month. ‘We haven’t finished unpacking,’ Kousei shrugged. ‘And out of all of us, Kouichi’s probably the best decorator.’

Kouji was already upstairs by that point, dropping his book bag off in his room and changing out of his school uniform.

Maybe the twins’ father could tell him something. ‘He draws, too?’ Takuya tried.

                ‘He drew,’ Kousei corrected tiredly. ‘I don’t think he’ll be drawing any more.’

 _Why not?_ Takuya wanted to ask, but that was too plain and raw: too tactless.

‘His hands.’ Kousei explained anyway. ‘Aside from that one time with the knee, they seemed to favour his hands. Like they knew what he wanted to do, to be. Like every time they knew they were slowly pulling away his dream.’ He shook his head at that, and Takuya was surprised to find the man’s eyes gleaming. It was rare to see full-grown adults cry in front of a child, after all, especially one they weren’t related to. ‘There were two of them. Schrodinger’s cat box. They didn’t need to be that cruel.’


	40. Chapter 40

They had been together when they were caught. And with the safety of their brother threatened as well as their own, it wouldn’t have taken much to keep them in line and good hostages.

So then why had the kidnappers taken it one step further?

Kousei knew the truth now… And how could he have known years ago that cutting a few men loose when they were detrimental would twist his family so violently.

He couldn’t even say destroy, because his family was one bigger than it had been for the last few years, since he’d divorced Tomoko. That didn’t excuse them, though. That didn’t excuse Tomoko’s death either, even if no-one had been directly responsible for that, per say. It was more like she’d died of stress and overwork and a sickness they’d never quite worked out and, most of all, a broken heart. Her children vanishing without a trace, only to be followed up by those phone calls and those photos, had been the last straw.

Kousei was left alone to pick up the pieces of his children, when they were finally found. And he was the only one of them all to be at fault for it all. Even if, logically, he hadn’t been wrong at all.


	41. Chapter 41

What would he have done? What could he have done? He poured over those questions endlessly when he’d learnt the reason _why_ his two boys were gone.

And why did people have to be so vindictive? The world wasn’t perfect. It never would be perfect. There wasn’t room for everybody to have a perfect life. But did that also have to equal a never-ending chain of breaking lives?

Which was to blame, he or the world, or both of them.

…well, it didn’t really matter. Whether he was to blame or not, he was still the father of his children, one at home and one still in the hospital and both nursing different types of wounds and broken parts.


	42. Chapter 42

Kouji wanted to visit every day, but he was blocked on multiple fronts: the doctors (both his brother’s and his own), Satomi as their case manager, their father, and more recently Takuya as well. And sometimes Kouichi himself, but that was the most recent and rarest of them all. Because after so long apart, they wanted to spend every waking moment together.

But everybody thought that was unhealthy, and so as soon as Kouji had been physically well enough, he’d been discharged.

And then there was school which kept him busy throughout the day, and then Takuya who swept him further into the world outside, and he understood. He really did. And that desperate need to never leave his brother’s sight had wilted almost right down.

It helped that, on the other side, Kouichi was no longer thrown into a panic when someone reminded him of Kouji and Kouji wasn’t there. That was in part the medication, but in part the healing too, the doctors said. Neither was sure how much they could trust that, or what would happen when the medications stopped (if they did stop, or change because they were sedating, too…).

But in any case, when that went away, it was a matter of putting their lives back together and picking them back up. Kouji was luckier. He was just more motivated to fight for his dreams.

It was probably impossible for Kouichi to get his old dreams back. And too raw to easily find a new one.


	43. Chapter 43

They had lots of labels for things. PTSD for the both of them, of course. And, for him, they’d been hinting towards depression as well. And now they’re hinting at an eating disorder and that was just because nobody understood. He’d been force-fed the entire time he’d been there and _why_ would he want to just be force-fed again?

And it wasn’t like he could pick anything up to eat himself. He drank the juices sometimes though, if someone put the straw in and left it close enough for him to reach. It trickled down his dry throat and he’d lick the matted roof of his mouth and wish he could do simple things like take control of his own life.

But he couldn’t yet, and it was becoming harder and harder to want to do so.


	44. Chapter 44

Words were the problem. He wasn’t much of a talker. Never had been. Instead, he’d read stories and written stories and drawn stories and he’d been planning on becoming a manga artist and they’d even looked into those schools that focused on the arts to help him do it. It would have been difficult initially, with the cost, but then their family had been on the road to reconciliation and it wasn’t impossible anymore.

If anything, it’d been wonderful. His mother wasn’t so tired and sad anymore. He wasn’t so lonely. His brother wasn’t so lonely either and their father could see a smile on his son’s (or sons’, really) face when he came home from a job that felt more like a chore than a means.

And then things had crumbled. And he’d lost the means of getting his words out there again. Because his talking organ wasn’t his mouth. It never had been. It had been his hands and they’d never get their mobility back enough for him to catch his dream again.


	45. Chapter 45

Takuya made sure to visit once a week, both the hospital and the Minamoto home, and made sure to drag Kouji to his place once a week too. Mrs Kanbara wondered if she was indulging her son a little too much in that (since it took up three afternoons a week, or the entire weekend), but Takuya wasn’t spending as much time playing pick up games or going over to other people and was actually doing better at school, so she allowed it.

When Takuya was really invested in something, he went all out after all. And if it cut down his more flightful tendencies, then all the better, as long as he was a healthy mix of carefree and responsible at the end of it.

Though she would rather it didn’t involve the hospital so intimately… but at the same time, Takuya really wanted to brighten those twins up, and they seemed to want to let him (after a bit of fight). The poor boy who’d first showed up at her doorstep, awkward and apologetic and tense and jumpy but at the same time trying to remember how to have fun…

Children shouldn’t have that sort of look at all.


	46. Chapter 46

His knee was (finally) cleared for physiotherapy, the doctors said. Which meant he'd have to do exercises in bed, and then later walk with it.

There was that word again. "Have to." And the reward. "Walk."

The psychiatrist tried to circumvent that, like she always did once she'd picked the thought pattern up. She managed, sometimes. Other times she didn't. Like the eating. There was just no way around it if he had to be fed by someone else, if he couldn't grip anything by himself to manage it on his own terms. Except the straws.

But he had improved, thanks to the straws. Juice and jelly and milk and rice porridge and broth blended down so there was nothing chunky in it at all. Not enough to have the feeding tube taken out, especially not when he'd thrown up till his body got used to swallowing again. It was a good compromise, in the end. A comfortable one for all of them. He could get the tube out soon, they said, once his weight was up a little more.

That one was on him, though. And maybe that was what got through, rather than any words from other people.

Still, they were working through it, finally and slowly.


	47. Chapter 47

He tried to listen to the physiotherapist. 'Bend the knee. Stretch it out. Stop if it hurts too much, but you need to push past the first bit of it and don't forget the other leg. That one's floppy from lying down so long, yeah? And don't be afraid of using the NCA if you have to.'

It would've been a PCA if he could push the button, but he couldn't. So nurse controlled fentanyl it was. They couldn't take him off that until they worked out his hands. He'd had two surgeries on them already and needed a third. He might even need more and, sometimes, it was hard to see why when all the surgeries in the world weren't going to give them back to him how they'd been.

But they still hurt all the time and the bones needed to be fixed so they weren't squashing nerves… or something like that. Somewhere along the way, even their father who had a Master's degree and a fancy job had a befuddled look on his face when the mess that had once been perfectly functional hands were explained.

But his knee was a different matter. He wouldn't be doing any Olympic level skating or anything on it, but he didn't need to. Never wanted to, really. If he could walk on it again, his psychiatrist pointed out, he wouldn't be stuck in the bed anymore. He could go where he wanted, without having to be wheeled by someone else (as long as he didn't abscond, of course). And that was reason enough to listen to the psychiatrist's instructions.

Funny how that was more motivating than "getting better".


	48. Chapter 48

‘You’re looking better,’ Kouji said. And Kouichi was. He had more colour in his cheeks now and, more importantly, he didn’t look so _empty_ like he had once the medications kicked in.

‘I want to walk,’ Kouichi explained. ‘That’s something I can get back.’

And Kouji understood. Why he didn’t want to use his hands for what little they could probably have managed. Because he wasn’t going to get them back. And they mattered far more.

Or maybe not. Dreams and freedom. Walking was freedom, in a way, if you had the choice in where to go and there weren’t doors locking you in at every turn.

 _Why don’t you think of a different dream?_ the psychiatrist had asked. _You’ve got your small goals now. But where are you going with them?_

Where indeed.

He could have the freedom to walk on his own, soon. But where would he walk?


	49. Chapter 49

Takuya had picked it up quickly enough, once he’d been clued in. And he’d thought it was somewhat funny too, that finally his motor-mouth was exactly what someone else needed – so long as he remembered to lay off on the questions. And bring something like soup that could be drunk with a straw, instead of cookies that really couldn’t.

He messed up occasionally, but at least it wasn’t resulting in near-broken jaws or hysterics anymore. He still got the stiff walls occasionally, from both twins, but he was firmly in the friend camp.

Sadly, he was pretty much their only friend. But his mother did say a small-knit group of close friends was better than a large group he wasn’t particularly close to, and he was in agreement with that. It was so much better. Harder, but better. More meaningful. And all the adults around him said he’d mellowed out and it was a change for the better.

Basically, they said he wasn’t a stupid reckless kid anymore. But if it meant he was growing up (and getting along better with his little brother, which was a surprising side-effect), then he wasn’t complaining.


	50. Chapter 50

'and Shinya's still set on becoming a fire-fighter. He even wants a fire truck for his birthday.'

The twins were stiff again, he noticed. And it was a gamble on Takuya's part because he knew why. It had taken a while to figure out because he'd gotten so few hints, but he pierced it together eventually enough. And all of them were aware that this was a wall they needed to knock down.

Kouichi's hands were newly operated on and re-casted, and maybe that would be the last operation and he'd be able to go home once he he could move them enough.

And now that he was kind of managing his walking (made harder by the fact that he couldn't cruise with his hands how they were, and had to be supported until he could manage on his own) and he was supposed to start using his hands soon, he was slowing down again. Looking flat. Engaging less. Not eating enough again and the feeding tube stayed stubbornly in, capped at the end when it wasn't in use.

Kouji tiptoed around that.

Takuya was kind of tiptoing too, he supposed, but he couldn't help it. Kouichi looked rather pitiable like that, swathered in white for... how long had it even been? Two months, at least, he thought. And they'd been in the hospital in a whole different city before that too. That really sucked. But still...

Kouichi was doing better with questions, especially innocent questions.

This question wasn't an innocent question. 'What about you guys? What do you want to do when you grow up?'


	51. Chapter 51

Kouji knocked his chair over, he stood up so fast. But Takuya ignored him. Kouichi's shoulders were shaking. His hands were shaking under the blanket, too. He still hid them there. Every time.

That was an improvement though, from the blank way they'd stared at the blanket when they'd first met.

'I wanted to be a lot of things,' Takuya continued. 'I wanted to be a businessman like my father, but then that seemed too boring. I wanted to be a professional baseball player, but then I broke my leg. I wanted to be a teacher and make school fun, but then I realised I couldn't even handle my little brother. So right now I'm thinking of being a psychiatrist because I'm apparently great at talking people's ears off.'

Kouji, who'd been about to interrupt, closed his mouth again.

'And I'll probably find a reason why I can't do that and change my mind a million more times before I actually have to choose my career, but that's okay. We've got plenty of chances and nothing's set in stone and that can be a good thing, too.'

The blanket had a wet spot, now. A tiny wet spot, but it was there.

Kouji crawled onto the bed and hugged him.


	52. Chapter 52

'Am I coddling him?' Kouji asked, sounding almost tentative.

'Well... yeah,' Takuya said, after a bit. 'Kind of. But that's okay, isn't it?' he rushed on, when Kouji's expression twisted. 'There's always someone who coddles and someone who's the disciplinarian. And Kouichi coddles you too, doesn't he?'

That was actually pretty cute, in his opinion, the way Kouichi would always open (once he was comfortable with Takuya's presence to not bring up the stranger-alert walls) with a flurry of questions: 'have you eaten?' 'Did you sleep okay last night?' 'Are you managing at school?'

And what was wrong with that? Kouji went to school outside the hospital. Hung out with Takuya at twice a week. Played video games with Shinya sometimes. And once Kouichi was out of the hospital, he could do things like that as well. Things together. Things with other people. Things alone.

'It's... not unhealthy?'

'You're brothers.' Takuya shrugged. 'And you shared something really traumatic together. You guys understand each other in a way nobody else ever will. Unhealthy would be if you never left his hospital bed.'

He paused after his speech, wincing at how callous it sounded. Foot in mouth again, apparently.

Apparently not, though. Kouji's smile was a little unsteady, but it was still a heartfelt smile. 'Thanks.'


	53. Chapter 53

The physiotherapist was patient, but harsh. She didn’t coddle. When he’d struggled step after step, she’d stand back and wait until he really was falling. And she’d watch until he couldn’t get himself before helping him.

That was fine. That worked, especially coupled with the knowledge that he _needed_ to be able to walk.

His hands were another story. She gave him putty to squeeze when the casts came off (for hopefully the last time, the doctors said). He didn’t touch it and she was decidedly unhappy with him the next week.

Which was unfortunate because he was finally allowed off the ward without a nurse, too. Except, with new-standing orders for him not to be helped into his clothes and for no-one to open doors or press elevator buttons, he was effectively stuck in there anyway.

Because clothes were hanging from the closet and he’d have to pull them off and onto his body and how could he do that if he hadn’t – couldn’t – used his hands at all?

But the silence that was a plea for help went ignored. ‘Do it yourself.’ He was waiting, the physiotherapist, against the door. ‘Why should I help? You should be able to do it yourself by now.’

But he couldn’t, because that meant he’d have to use his hands, drive them through rigorous training like his knee but not get what he wanted out of them no matter how hard he tried.

Which made him not want to try at all… until he couldn’t get away with that anymore.

(Well, he could walk around with a hospital gown, but that had its own problems.)


	54. Chapter 54

‘Hard love,’ the physiotherapist explained, when nothing had changed, arms crossed and a frown on his face. ‘I want you to use your hands, Kimura-kun. It doesn’t take a lot of dexterity to pull on a sweatshirt and pants. Most doors you’ll use don’t have door knobs you’ll need to turn, and elevator buttons are pretty decently sized. You could grasp solid things too, like buns and sandwiches and cakes, you know. But I guess you’re not really interested in that, huh. You should’ve been rid of that tube at least a month ago but you’ve still got it.’

Some people tiptoed. Some people, like the doctors, asked again and again and got nowhere. And then there were some people like the physiotherapist (and the psychiatrist, in a way) who believed more in “hard love”.

They all had their places, ultimately.

And the psychiatrist (they colluded; they probably always did) added her own handful of yen: ‘They won’t give you your dream back, but they’ll give you the freedom you need to find a new one and, with how young you are and how much time you’ve got ahead of you, that’s what you need more.’


	55. Chapter 55

Their progress was stalled, again. At least this time he was sitting in the psychiatrist’s outpatient rooms (though technically he wasn’t an outpatient yet). The change of scenery was… something. Not bad, and not plain either. But he didn’t think that painting was particularly aesthetic.

‘I’m not the one who chooses the decorations,’ the psychiatrist said, amused. ‘I take it you think it’s terrible, too.’

Kouichi nodded.

‘Did you paint?’ she asked curiously.

They were tending towards darker territories. But painting was a safe enough topic, he supposed. ‘Only at school,’ he said. ‘Paints are… fanciful.’

‘That’s an interesting way of putting it,’ she agreed. ‘They dry quickly, and you need to replace brushes pretty frequently too. Colour pencils last longer, don’t they.’

He didn’t say anything. There wasn’t really a question to answer, anyway.

‘Kimura-kun.’ She paused, as though for emphasis, then continued on. ‘Do you still want to draw?’ She closed her eyes when he jerked in his seat in surprise. ‘No, listen to me. Ignore everything else. Ignore whether it’s possible or not because miracles can happen and tragedies can happen too. I’m asking if you _want_ it. Because, ignoring the world, you’ve changed too, you know.’

He stared at his hands. He knew she’d told her to forget that, but he _couldn’t._

‘No,’ he answered finally, and he wasn’t sure if it was the right answer, or the answer she was looking for, because he couldn’t just forget about it all.

‘Why not?’ she asked. Her face and tone gave nothing away.

‘It… won’t be the same.’


	56. Chapter 56

He still needed a new dream. That was kind of the crux of the matter they’d all come to. Something to work towards after something he’d poured so much in to.

Time didn’t make all wounds go away, but even the pain of this one was dulling.

Somewhere along the way, everything in his life had dulled, but it never went completely numb. He supposed that was why he was still on painkillers (though finally off the NCA), but it went the other way as well. Kouji visited often, but not too often. Takuya visited once a week. Sometimes Takuya’s little brother visited too. And a couple of times, he brought a friend, who brought his brother occasionally too, and there was suddenly too many people in the room.

Lucky it was a private room. Still, the nurse had laughingly scolded them for ignoring the visiting rules.

His psychiatrist reminded him of that. Really, she knew more than he told her (and more than Kouji told her, he was sure).


	57. Chapter 57

‘Why did you want to draw manga?’

‘… I wanted to tell stories. But I’m not all that good with words.’

The psychiatrist smiled. ‘I’ve seen that,’ she admitted. ‘But truthfully, not many children are good with words. Not many adults are, either. Now…’ She smiled. ‘Who do you know who’s good with words?’

‘…you?’

She snorted. ‘I wish. It wouldn’t take me so long to understand you kids, if that was true. I wouldn’t get kicked at least once a week either.’

He blinked. ‘Kids kick you?’

‘Sure do. At least I’ve never had to call security on them. Had to do that a few times, at adults.’

‘Huh.’ That conversation had gone somewhere fast.

‘Anyway, back to my question.’

He thought about it. Who did he know who was good with words. Definitely not Kouji. Or his parents, silent in their own ways. Or his grandmother.

‘Takuya,’ he said finally. ‘Teachers.’

‘Kanbara-kun himself says he’s prone to sticking his foot in his mouth,’ the psychiatrist chuckled. ‘As for teachers, that’s debatable, isn’t it. Not everyone’s teaching methods work for everybody and part of that is the issue of words.’

His brow furrowed. ‘I don’t understand where you’re going with this,’ he admitted.

‘And there’s my lack of word prowess.’ She offered a grin. ‘Anyway, my point is there’s no-one who’s great with words. Even the people who’ve given the most inspirational speeches in history will have other moments of time where they haven’t known what to say, or said the wrong thing… and even their inspirational speeches don’t touch everyone in the world. There are at least two sides to everything, after all.’

‘You make words sound like a war.’ There was a touch of amusement in his voice though.

The psychiatrist smiled, gentler and more genuine. ‘They can be,’ she said. ‘They can also be art. And there’s a lot you can do with your voice. Talk to people. And on the phone. Or on a stage. Give speeches. Debate. Sing. Voice-overs.’

Kouichi’s lips twitched into a smile as he remembered something. ‘Psychiatrists?’

She laughed. ‘Psychologists, yes. But to be a psychiatrist, you have to be a doctor first. Do you want to?’

‘No.’ Kouichi shook his head. ‘But Takuya said he was considering it.’ As an afterthought, he added. ‘He might change his mind when he hears he’ll have to go through a medical degree first.’


	58. Chapter 58

‘You’re joking,’ Takuya groaned. ‘I can’t survive a high tier course like that. Okay, scratch psychiatry. I am without a game plan again.’

The twins laughed. That was rare, still, but at least it was happening.

Kouichi had putty in his fists as well. Also new. Also progress.

Takuya decided to ask again. ‘How about you? What’s your plan, now?’

Kouichi’s hands were still covered in scars and incapable of pretty much everything. But he’d get something back, at least. And he had the rest of his body. And his life.

 ‘Art, still,’ Kouichi said slowly, staring at his hands – and the putty they clumsily held. ‘But, I think, with my words.’

They looked at him, confused.

‘Art with words?’ Kouji repeated.

‘Something Sensei said,’ Kouichi explained – which wasn’t really an explanation at all, but they understood. Some things only existed in the moment. ‘She had some suggestions. Like singing. Or voice acting.’ Or they were the two that had really stuck.

‘Can you sing?’ Takuya asked.

Kouichi shrugged.

‘We’re going karaoke once you’re out of here,’ Takuya decided. ‘Speaking of… when are you getting out of here?’

‘Soon.’

It was a mark of how far they’d all come… and in more ways than one.


End file.
